Proverbs 16:9

How often do I forget that God knows what he's doing? I think it's easier for me to make my own plans and have hopes for the future. There are times that I am so certain that God has something better in mind for me, and then there are those moments when I am discouraged and distraught that my desires, plans, and dreams don't manifest as expected.

Can I really trust that he has something not only good for me, but better than anything I ever hoped for? And, can I step forward into it even when it doesn't look like what I thought it would look like? Does he know me better than I know myself? If so, that means that he will always know what is better for me. So, if what he's giving me now seems so different then what I expected, yet it's so good, do I step into it excitedly with an open heart?

I ask these questions- but really I know the answer in my heart. I really do believe with all my being that God has everything come together for a purpose, and that he knows what I need to live a life following after him. As much as it feels like I should be scared, I'm not. I'm so excited to see what he has in store.

Christmas is so fitting- a savior came into the world, not as expected, but as a babe to bring peace to the poor and rejected. And God continually does this in my life; I anticipate the unexpected, but I never know what it will look like.

merry christmas.

My So Called Drama of a Life

I'm back from the "west" and have many fond memories of my week of new experiences. I'm not sure what any of them mean for the future, but all I know is that each experience taught me something new about myself and life. Myself: I'm crazy. Life: It's unpredictable.

I also learned that vests are not permitted in California- why? I happen to like my puffy vest. I was very discouraged when I was told on a number occasions that I could NOT go out in public wearing my puffy blue vest. East-coasters speak out- our fashion is just as legitimate!

Lastly I learned that no matter how much I want life to look a certain way- it never does. I can hope and plan- but life doesn't bend to my desire- it bends my desire.

A Revelation

The last year and a half... worth it.

A Year of Change

So I'm sitting here in the airport and I'm thinking about how drastic of a change I've experienced in life in the last year and a half. Isn't it so crazy how much life and self can change in such a short amount of time. A year and a half ago I would be frowning at myself for the gray pleather chair where I find myself sitting. I've been so certain so many times in my life that I know whats best for me, and every time it seems like I've been wrong. Or maybe its that I've been "right" at the time and wrong as I've changed and matured. Even if I was "wrong" in the moment I don't regret the path I've been on. It was this same path that brought me to this moment of excitement and anticipation. Its because if this that stepping on this plane headed west doesn't make me fear for the future or ask if I'm making the "right" decision. In this moment life is so exciting and good- I just can't even fathom what life would be like if I hadn't taken the "road less traveled" (not the straight road ;) - this one is pretty dag-gone curvey).

I love life :)

My Entrance

This is my first official post on my brand new blog. Some may think "damn this took him long" and others may think "holy crap he gave in to peer pressure." I will say that I neither intended to have a blog nor intended not to have one, but as a good friend reminded me, it's a good way to keep up with the happenings of the people you care about. So here I am joining the online community.

I chose "Differentiation of Self" for this blog because I feel like it's a perfect way of explaining where I am in life. Differentiation of self is basically the ability to separate one's emotions from one's intellect in an attempt to maintain autonomy and less fusion in relationships. This is not to say that dependence on relationships isn't at the core of who I am, but it is to say that I choose not to seek approval and acceptance from others.

This last year has been exactly that. Coming out in March had a huge impact on the person I am today. Around this time last year I was completely paralyzed by the thought of being gay. I feared that the people close to me would not accept or approve of me. I remember spending countless nights laying in bed dreading my journey. Well here I am on the path and loving it. It meant giving up on what others thought of me and embracing where God was leading me. What has been most surprising in this past year is the overwhelming support I've received from my friends and family. Who would have thought that giving up on other's approval would lead me to a place where the people that care about me accept me completely? But isn't that such an important truth: when we finally give something up and stop seeking after it, that's when we get it...