Differentiation of Self

Used to be Nicklecreek

2010-11-08T07:23:00.003-05:00

Sara Bareilles is my savior of my time these days...

I finally watched it...

2010-04-14T23:07:00.003-04:00

I remembered tonight that love has always been, is, and will always be what I strive for, pursue, and hope for in my life. Sometimes the din of everything makes you forget. Sometimes trying to make everything work makes you loose focus.

Sure, I'm thinking about love in general and romantically. I think when all is said- love is the expression of a heart thankful that it has been found and desperate to share and receive genuine life from another.

I'll forget... and need to be reminded

Back

2008-12-10T14:24:00.002-05:00

It's been three weeks, but I'm back. Back in the US. Back to life here, missing some things in India, and not missing others.

Life is different here than I had left it, and that's fine- it just takes some getting used to.

India bound

2008-06-09T13:38:00.000-04:00

From now on refer to this blog. Love you guys!
http://thegibbsglobetrot.blogspot.com/

Completed

2008-05-23T14:23:00.007-04:00

I just finished my entire spring semester and my one week summer class this afternoon. If feels rather wonderful to have completed everything and know that now I have India to look forward to in 16 days. This week in advanced group methods I'm not sure I would have survived without Sara making me laugh and keeping me occupied. She brought her computer daily and after I discovered her built in webcam class became more of a distraction.

This weekend I will be going to Busch Gardens as well as meeting some new people. It should be enjoyable and interesting :)

A light

2008-05-15T20:42:00.001-04:00

Today a California court discarded the ban on same sex marriage. This is pretty darn huge, and I'm pretty excited. See CNN's article and check out what each state has to say about the topic.

Who would have thought

2008-05-14T14:56:00.002-04:00

So, Sara (my India wife) asked me to go sell back books today at our campus bookstore. I think at this point I was planning on keeping my books. I don't know why I do that every semester. I don't ever read the books for class let alone read them later. I guess I just hope that one day they will be needed...

At any rate, Sara couldn't sell back any of her books, which sucks big time. I remember that happening in undergrad to me several semesters and feeling like a seven year old waking up on Christmas morning only to find fruit in his stocking and clothes wrapped under the tree.

I however made out well. Let's just say I'm having a party and 4 guys named ben are invited.

Changes

2008-05-11T20:12:00.004-04:00

Today I was talking with Katie about how changes are funny. More specifically we were talking about the changes that I could undergo in India that would have someone not recognize me. Katie suggested either gaining or losing a large amount of body mass or shaving my head and growing a beard. We shall see what I choose. But for now, imagine Scott...

oh brother where art thou?

2008-05-06T23:36:00.001-04:00

Camping a year ago- what a great father's day...

Ding Dong

2008-05-06T23:03:00.002-04:00

The smell from inside the fridge has been extinguished!!! May all the land rejoice. Thank you Joel for your investigative work and your tenacity. I will now no longer fear the putrid smell of cold food.

I can't spell it out for you

2008-04-26T09:11:00.002-04:00

I just realized today how much I'm going to miss the people in my life while I'm gone in India.

Life

2008-04-17T18:27:00.000-04:00

You know those moments when you sit still for a second and you realize everything is completely perfect. It's almost like on your journey of mistakes and mess ups that your path intersects with a journey where you've made every right decision. Katie and I were talking about this experience on vacation. We both agreed that its like God is telling you everything is going to be alright and life is exactly where it is suppose to be. I had a moment like this on vacation. Sitting on the stone steps right off of the beach that led into the lagoon. All four members of my family were sitting there wrapped in towels with the afternoon sun on our backs as we discussed life and love. I love these moments... Anyone else?

Let's talk about awkward...

2008-04-15T17:59:00.003-04:00

I am having a wonderful time here in La Riviera Maya. I think all inclusive resorts are definitely the way to go. We leave tomorrow but so far I've sat on the beach, eaten in many different restaurants, had many alcoholic beverages, driven an atv, had a back massage, had a manicure, had a pedicure, and many many other enjoyable experiences. Today I probably had my most interesting experience. This week my father has continually encouraged me to go get a "hot stone massage" because they are "amazing." Today I took him up on his suggestion and my mother scheduled me for a "hot stone massage" at 1500 hours.

Once I arrived at my appointment I was given a ticket and I was told to go into the spa and put on a robe and sandals. As I was walking toward my locker in the male designated spa area, which I must say was luxurious, I glanced down at my ticket. It just so happens that along with giving my infant history of having "corazon" issues, my mom also told the spa receptionist something else personal. In Spanish in all caps and starred was the message "he doesn't mind men"... It was then that I noticed that I was signed up to be massaged by Gabriel for 80 minutos. "Holy crap!" I thought. My mom basically advertised that I like men. No straight man ever goes to a male massage therapist!

Upon meeting Gabriel I become astutely aware that I am not the only nervous participant. He is turning his shoes on their sides and looking down at the floor. I almost laughed out loud. When we got to the room he told me he would wait outside while I removed my clothing and laid on the table under the sheet. "It will be OK, you'll be laying on your stomach the whole time... just relax..." I told myself.

Gabriel nervously entered the room " Mr. Gibbs you need to lay on your back, facing up." CRAP!!!! "What if I... don't worry about it, it will be fine." Haha, so I had my 80 minutes of a full body massage and it was really nice. It took a while for me to relax, but after repeating "Grandma" in my head over and over again there were no awkward moments.

I highly recommend a hot stone massage...

"hello"

2008-03-01T13:36:00.004-05:00

Let's get personal. I have a boyfriend. AND he's pretty great. This is the first time I've talked about him on "here." We've been "dating" for 2 months now. He doesn't live in Baltimore, but he'll be here this spring. SO- my friends, you can get to know him. Any questions?

Change

2008-02-10T22:39:00.000-05:00

So, for the last few weeks I've been pretty uncertain about which candidate I will vote for in the primary this Tuesday. Obama and Hillary both have different policies with which I agree. Lately though I've found myself leaning towards Obama, why... I'm not certain, I think he really appeals to our generation. After prompting from a friend I decided to attend a rally for Hillary tonight at Bowie State University. I wasn't sure what to expect. We had great seats. When Hillary took the stage we were literally 15ft from her...
It was pretty amazing. Martin O'Malley was right next to her along with Anthony Brown the LT. Governor. The crowd roared for her and I found myself brought to tears. When she spoke she spoke with strength and certainty. I found myself drawn to her ideals and inspired by her policies. Everything she talked about and everything she stood for tonight are areas of great importance to me. I would love to see universal health care, and the war in Iraq end. She also spoke of equality, which whispered hope to my happy ears. She seemed so distant before, like a person I had never met. But after tonight she seemed like a friend of many years, one that I trust and one that echoes my same values.

After she finished speaking she made her rounds to sign posters, shake hands, and take pictures. I couldn't believe how close I was to her... 3 ft from the possible president of the US. I could have reached out and touched her if it wasn't for the stern looking secret service officer.

I'm still not positive whether I will be voting for Obama or Hillary. Maybe I will have a better understanding after seeing Obama tomorrow night.

I can't fully explain what happened in me tonight, but what I can say is that I am encouraged and excited for a president. This election isn't about picking the lesser of two evils. Tuesday is about picking one of two great candidates. And imagine that, the possibility of two great presidents. I'm excited...

Choices

2008-01-30T00:13:00.000-05:00

I'm going to India for five months- come visit me.

Walk and Talk

2008-01-23T07:07:00.000-05:00

I just woke up from the most unpleasant dream. I was in middle school again, and it was lunch time. A bunch of friends, including SD, and I were trying to eat lunch in a different room other than the cafeteria. The lunch ladies got pissed at us and told us that we couldn't eat lunch anymore because we were trying to put "lunch trash" other places.

At one point I got in an argument with one of the lunch ladies and said. "stop yelling at me, I'm not yelling at you, calm down!" She didn't like that to much, but luckily another lunch lady piped in and told me to go back into the cafeteria and sit until we were able to go outside. I can only assume she was referring to "walk and talk" (our middle school's version or recess- basically recess without the fun- "NO RUNNING!"). When I went back into the cafeteria I sat down next to SD and pulled out some food that I had been hiding- green beans (I'm not sure my middle school self would approve of this lunch). As I was eating them I tried to hide them from the passing lunch ladies. No luck... one saw...thankfully SD was right next to me, and I put them in front of him and pretended I wasn't chewing. (I think I did that a lot in middle school- put stuff off on other people, i.e. SD, so they got in trouble instead of me)

Shortly after the green bean incident I woke up thinking: "man, middle school sucked!" Now I'm about to jump in the shower and go to my social work placement at a middle school. Poor kids...

Double the Fines

2008-01-22T01:05:00.000-05:00

Today after watching Cloverfield, I was thinking about many things- but one such topic on my mind came into play this evening as I drove home from work. I was thinking about how it's so emotional to see human beings band together against a foe in order to survive. It's beautiful and exciting to see one person stand up and then another- and then one more, and eventually you.

On my midnight commute home, there was construction and all but one lane was closed. It was terrible- we literally sat for 20 minutes for no apparent reason. Then out of nowhere on my right side I saw a SUV pass in the lanes that were closed. I thought- "hey, he's got it right, let's bypass this sh*thole!" I hoped that more cars would do the same so I could sum up the courage to drive "illegally." For the next few moments I sat waiting to see if more headlights would appear in my mirror. Then to my delight, there was a second pair of lights; a truck! Then a third, fourth and fifth. By this time I was screaming: "Yeah baby- lets screw these f*ckers!" And at that moment I had the courage to pull off into the closed lanes and drive free! I got off at the next exit and took the scenic route home- I felt so empowered...

Sliding Doors

2008-01-20T00:07:00.000-05:00

Has anyone seen that movie? I must have seen it when I was in middle school. I remember watching it on a plane ride home from my family vacation in Europe. It's a British film where a woman makes a decision. She decides to step out and just barely make the sliding door of the London Underground. It is then that her life splits. One life where she made the train and another life where she did not.

Through the whole movie her two different life realities become more and more different. From one simple choice: to step forward or wait for the next train.

Is life this way; that a simple choice can change so much? If a simple choice can change a life significantly... what a about a big choice? Like going on a Study Abroad program. Sometimes thinking about the implications of choices leaves me feeling paralyzed.

Some would say that we are bound by fate or God's will. If that's true, can I make a decision that goes against what is "suppose" to happen in my life?

Where are the directions for this thing? I need some, and I'm not talking crappy Ikea picture directions. I need some multi language explicit directions.

Oh, and does it matter that at the end of the movie her two different realities end up at the exact same place...cause I'm thinking: will mine?

Peace

2008-01-17T18:33:00.001-05:00

The sound of the rain (snow) water coming off the roof and gutter is so nice. I think I could listen to it forever.

A right delayed is a right denied. - MLK Jr.

2008-01-14T16:38:00.000-05:00

Last night we watched Tying the Knot, a documentary about Same Sex Marriage. The majority of the documentary focused on the issue as it relates to America. Two of the stories it focused on were surviving same sex spouses. It was so sad to see the law related and economic difficulties that these two people experienced after losing the person they love. Is this what I or my future husband have to look forward to?

Because I may never be able to be married lawfully to my spouse will I have to worry about if either of us are ever harmed? I mean what if my spouse is in a field that doesn't recognize same sex marriages or even goes to the point of not allowing them to be "out" at work. Will my relationship ever be legitimized in that part of his life? If something should happen to him, will I be notified? It's just a lot to process.

Man, it just sucks. It's not fair. I don't understand how anyone could be opposed to same-sex marriage. It's so oppressive. I feel like I should have a better attitude about this- but I don't. I'm just sad. How can liberty and life be offered to everyone in our country yet because I'm gay I am not allowed to be in a relationship that is recognized by the nation. And people really use the bible as evidence against it. Read anything Jesus said and actually try to show me how he would be against same sex marriage. It's ridiculous. :( I kind of wish I didn't watch that documentary last night...

Proverbs 16:9

2007-12-24T14:39:00.000-05:00

How often do I forget that God knows what he's doing? I think it's easier for me to make my own plans and have hopes for the future. There are times that I am so certain that God has something better in mind for me, and then there are those moments when I am discouraged and distraught that my desires, plans, and dreams don't manifest as expected.

Can I really trust that he has something not only good for me, but better than anything I ever hoped for? And, can I step forward into it even when it doesn't look like what I thought it would look like? Does he know me better than I know myself? If so, that means that he will always know what is better for me. So, if what he's giving me now seems so different then what I expected, yet it's so good, do I step into it excitedly with an open heart?

I ask these questions- but really I know the answer in my heart. I really do believe with all my being that God has everything come together for a purpose, and that he knows what I need to live a life following after him. As much as it feels like I should be scared, I'm not. I'm so excited to see what he has in store.

Christmas is so fitting- a savior came into the world, not as expected, but as a babe to bring peace to the poor and rejected. And God continually does this in my life; I anticipate the unexpected, but I never know what it will look like.

merry christmas.

My So Called Drama of a Life

2007-12-21T22:16:00.000-05:00

I'm back from the "west" and have many fond memories of my week of new experiences. I'm not sure what any of them mean for the future, but all I know is that each experience taught me something new about myself and life. Myself: I'm crazy. Life: It's unpredictable.

I also learned that vests are not permitted in California- why? I happen to like my puffy vest. I was very discouraged when I was told on a number occasions that I could NOT go out in public wearing my puffy blue vest. East-coasters speak out- our fashion is just as legitimate!

Lastly I learned that no matter how much I want life to look a certain way- it never does. I can hope and plan- but life doesn't bend to my desire- it bends my desire.

A Revelation

2007-12-14T12:48:00.000-05:00

The last year and a half... worth it.

A Year of Change

2007-12-13T20:20:00.000-05:00

So I'm sitting here in the airport and I'm thinking about how drastic of a change I've experienced in life in the last year and a half. Isn't it so crazy how much life and self can change in such a short amount of time. A year and a half ago I would be frowning at myself for the gray pleather chair where I find myself sitting. I've been so certain so many times in my life that I know whats best for me, and every time it seems like I've been wrong. Or maybe its that I've been "right" at the time and wrong as I've changed and matured. Even if I was "wrong" in the moment I don't regret the path I've been on. It was this same path that brought me to this moment of excitement and anticipation. Its because if this that stepping on this plane headed west doesn't make me fear for the future or ask if I'm making the "right" decision. In this moment life is so exciting and good- I just can't even fathom what life would be like if I hadn't taken the "road less traveled" (not the straight road ;) - this one is pretty dag-gone curvey).

I love life :)

My Entrance

2007-12-10T21:42:00.000-05:00

This is my first official post on my brand new blog. Some may think "damn this took him long" and others may think "holy crap he gave in to peer pressure." I will say that I neither intended to have a blog nor intended not to have one, but as a good friend reminded me, it's a good way to keep up with the happenings of the people you care about. So here I am joining the online community.

I chose "Differentiation of Self" for this blog because I feel like it's a perfect way of explaining where I am in life. Differentiation of self is basically the ability to separate one's emotions from one's intellect in an attempt to maintain autonomy and less fusion in relationships. This is not to say that dependence on relationships isn't at the core of who I am, but it is to say that I choose not to seek approval and acceptance from others.

This last year has been exactly that. Coming out in March had a huge impact on the person I am today. Around this time last year I was completely paralyzed by the thought of being gay. I feared that the people close to me would not accept or approve of me. I remember spending countless nights laying in bed dreading my journey. Well here I am on the path and loving it. It meant giving up on what others thought of me and embracing where God was leading me. What has been most surprising in this past year is the overwhelming support I've received from my friends and family. Who would have thought that giving up on other's approval would lead me to a place where the people that care about me accept me completely? But isn't that such an important truth: when we finally give something up and stop seeking after it, that's when we get it...